before gg back to Shanghai. again.

After a rather restless two weeks (I'm still really upset over the wasted $31 spent on useless cough medication), things are starting to happen in a whirl, like how it always does. Jingyi is flying off to Taiwan tmr, and I haven't gotten anything for her. I dunno what to get her, what to write for her... in fact suddenly overwhelmed by this, thinking of her flying off all alone, to another country all alone.. ha, suddenly feel like crying.

went to Ah Yee's house just now to bai bai for the seventh month. Cousin Jason and family came over, and awww my little precious Christie is still as cute as ever! maybe itz bcos I only come back once every few months, she seems to be growing so quickly. standing, walking, talking... all so quickly. she's almost always smiling, running around, naming stuff, so cute.

"Who is Christie?"
"Daddy's angel"

awwwwww cuuuttteee!

but after she left, felt so empty all of a sudden. maybe itz better for me to be in school. studying and school life takes my mind off... other things...

but...

Back after a year.

And itz all over. attachment is over, DPPS is over, meaning I'm free to do what I want in the next 2 years.. then itz 5 years of wait before the next round of freedom comes along.

This space. since 2003/4. been the place of rants and losing of tempers. harsh words. malicious thoughts. English. but I still like to keep this, no matter how inactive it is. many a time I wanted to blog in English or just grumble till the end of time, but never got down to doing it. just wanted to keep the Chinese blog Chinese and reserve it for writings, not rants. and maybe venting frustrations on a virtual space is just too easy a way out, wanted to learn how to control my temper, instead of just taking it out on something (or worse, someone).

Still traumatised over the MRT ride yesterday. thatz why I said itz not a good thing to be short. imagine being trapped in a MRT cabin, filled with people, all taller than you, itz jammed packed, everyone is stuck onto everyone else (literally) and the train has stopped in b/w stations. not a pretty sight. and definitely not a good situation to be in. there's just not enough air to go around. and a concoction of people's breaths, odours (doesn't even have to be BO), carbon dioxide, warm stale air with just a hint of oxygen is certainly NOT appealing to the lungs.

I finally understand why pple see a lack of need to go to China. why spend so much money when you can experience it right at home? Despite the reluctance to associate overcrowded trains (and everywhere else) with Singapore, but if not for the long queues of people trailing like earthworms under the sun, I would be inclined to feel that I was still in Shanghai. worse than peasant trains.

On the way to Weixuan's house the other day, suddenly felt very lost and afraid on the train alone. ironic. in my own country. I've never felt lost in Shanghai before. then again, maybe it was the map that saved me. but one thing I realized about Singapore, no need to have too good a memory, esp when it comes to roads and buildings. why, it most probably will be gone in a couple of years. so whatz the point of remembering?

To me, Shanghai is a ever-changing place, at least for the shops and restaurants around school. So is Singapore? but I can never accept or forgive the speed of change at home. like hello? is this is place I grew up? how can I call this home when I don't even know how to get around anymore? how can I call this home when I feel like I'm still in China? how can I call this home when I don't feel home?

I don't deny, I miss Shanghai alot. particularly when there are gg to be 3 great Peking Opera perfs coming up and I'm not gg to be there.

I see this massive group of cyclists with a passenger behind them, mostly guys with female passengers, n most of them are smiling, smiling very peacefully and contendedly.

last Wednesday, my bike conked, so Weibiao said very calmly, "不要紧，先park住，我载你去（上课）", thus started our slow quiet journey to 四教. I dun really like talking to the cyclist, just enjoy a calm peacful ride to wadever destination we're heading. I rmb there was once snr Jiaming gave me a lift back to dorm, and he was chatting with snr Hui Xian on the way back, while I just sat there quietly, one hand on his shoulder and one on my bag, watching the trees, feeling the wind and half-listening to their conversation. a... melancholic feeling of sorts. but Weibiao will like to talk to me, I suppose he finds the silence unbearable. but I enjoy the "silence", listening to the slight whirling of the pedals, clanking of other people's bikes, faint murmur of the wind and distant echoes of voices we've passed... 

finished 《围城》by a miraculous effort (it got a a bit tedious to read towards the end), 钱钟书's sacarstic (even malicious) humour gets taxing to swallow as the story progresses. was a bit erbhz when the story kinda ended on a climax, thankfully his wife's mini 注文helped shed a bit of light. I guess itz true abt marriage being a 围城. in fact a lot of things in Life are. 90% of the time (being generous here), what we c is not what we get, n we most certainly do not get what we paid for. but we still go ahead anyway, just like how we always fall for those exaggerated TV commercials despite knowing they're most prob fake. I guess we all like to believe in smth, bcos not all of us can proclaim "绝望之为虚妄，正与希望相同" n "反抗绝望" just like 鲁迅.

这就是伟人与普通人的差别吧。

I realize I can blog. just that I can't see my blog. erpz.

Itz this weird date again. 23rd Sept. 23rd Sept. 23rd Sept... mayb I have to wiki it to know what is so special abt it.

我真是一个很矛盾的人啊。bundle of contradictions. memorizing 论语can really take one to the brink of insanity. As I closed my eyes trying to c the images of the pages, saw other memories instead. memories I din want to c. many images I din want to c. plunge into the depths of tormented depression.

So let mercy come
and wash away
What I've done...

Altho' Charis said Minutes to Midnight is "so not Linkin", but I suppose everyone has to mature, even rebels. Mike can't possibly write about angsty searches for self-identity all his life. From Hybrid Theory to Meteora to Minutes to Midnight, the "fear of uncertainty" factor just weakens. 

Hybrid Theory is like thrashing thru' a jungle, being chased by a gdness knows what yet not knowing where we're heading... only praying that itz towards the light of salvation.

I wanna run away, never say gdbye
I wanna know the truth, instead of wondering y
I wanna know the answers, no more lies
I wanna shut the door, and open up my mind...

Meteora is starting to know that myabe there is no "light of salvation", only I can save myself, but... who am I?

I will never feel anything else until my wounds are healed
I will be anything until I break away from me
I will break away, I will find myself today...

Minutes to Midnight is... philosophical in a way. No longer "crawling in my skin", but having broken out of that prison, suddenly realize that the world is not what it is... hating how the world is turning out and hating myself for not being able to do anything abt it, abt Life, abt death, abt anything... just a tiny angry existence... shouting out but no one can hear. Just a sad melancholy.

When my time comes, forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some reasons to be missed
Don't resent me, and when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory, leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest...

Ultimately, the wounds stop hurting and the tears stop flowing. . .

just before I fly back to Shanghai this Friday.

---

recently, got obessed with the notion of making money once again. every night I toss, turn and try to sleep, sleep will elude me, my over-active imagination refusing to rest, persistently perfecting the various plans in my head but new problems will always surface, that never get fully figured out before I finally doze off from the exhaustion at 2/3 in the morning.

-----

went to watch Murder of the Inugami Clan with Mom yesterday. it wasn't a bad movie, even tho' they could have made the blood look more realistic. typical Kindaichi murder mystery, just that this time round itz not Kindaichi Hajime. well, it wasn't as "凄美" as the critic wrote in 早报 (must have been the overly fake blood and unappreciative audience), switching of scenes were not as smooth as I would have liked it to be, but on the whole I think it was quite good, even with all the usual old-school Japanese melodrama.

-------

the Beijing Olympics are over and I wonder how the Chinese are going to take it. why, even I can't take it.

(please let Wikipedia remain accessible.)

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Weixiong sent me a link to Luo Xin's blog, and after a while all the black and white photos got... depressing(?) no thatz not the word... more of... a melancholy. "the interminable drudgery of our mudane lives" was what I emailed Weixiong, but somehow... thatz not really it, not really what I feel, not exactly. the loneliness of human life perhaps? suddenly reminded of the parapara sakura movie by Aaron Kwok. maybe we're just waiting, simply waiting for that one person, one place, one... thing of colour to turn up... even as we continue in the black and white... waiting, waiting... and waiting somemore...

(who was it who told me that black is not a colour but a mere absence of light? if thatz the case and white light is a composition of the 7 colours of light, then in the midst of all the white light and absence of light, maybe we're just waiting for a... stimulus to come break up that white light... and let the absence turn into a presence... somehow.)

-----------

anime themes are a good way to drunken the soul. forgive the drunk with a dull sense of grammar.

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if anyone is still reading this blog... then don't bother to tag while I'm in Shanghai, I won't be able to see it anyway... not that anyone would bother.

lessons start on Monday. can't believe the new sem is actually starting. so soon. too soon. but I really hope the rice in my room hasn't rotted.

Went TeoHeng with Aly, Jiahui and Jingyi yest aft lunch with Aly, Tingxi and Ivan. Even tho' I said I didn't want to go for k. but. it was the BEST ktv session I've had in a very long time. Aly was right: itz not so much abt the facilities, but the company. All the quick wit and good humour that Miss Tay thinks I'm endowned with is only possible when the gang is around, or rather, when I'm with them.

When members of FUSSA tell me "我了解" (if they even bother to), I'm hardly ever convinced. but when the gang just nods, sighs, smiles or starts gesturing wildly and enthusiastically, I know they know. I know we're on the same frequency, that we can truly feel each others' problems. I feel "me" when I'm with them.

n I'm worried about Jiahui. even when we were half drowning in all the shit back in JC, there was still a spark of rebellion in here eyes. She could say "I'm going to take over the world so fuck off you stupid humans" and I would believe her. but now... yesterday, that flame seems to have gone out... and I can't help feeling that itz bcos I'm not with her, hardly with her... as 臭屁as that might sound, as if I'm that impt a person to her. but in reality, I feel rather lonely at times without Jiahui. Life was shit in JC but it was ok bcos Jiahui was there. and of cos Jingyi, Aly, Ivan, Tingxi, Kk, Yee May, Bh were all there. In Shanghai, I'm left more alone to just my thoughts, that get so heavy, even if they were gd ones, funny ones... simply bcos I don't have anyone to share them with. n I don't want just any 'ol shit person. I want the gang. I need them... more than they need me, more than I'll like to admit.

n Olympics lost its appeal once 刘翔pulled out due to injury. Poor boy... 可怜的孩子。

"I just want to be happy." thatz what Jiahui wrote.

I just want... to live...

Next Friday, it'll be back to life without the gang, without access to their blogs, their lives, everything. As much as I don't want that sort of life, I don't want one where pple turn up and try to replace them. "I rather be all alone... anywhere on my own..."

cos "company" and "people" are vulgar words when itz not the gang.

just a random entry I found in my journal... probably to remind myself I should do my very best to ensure that my English doesn't die.

written 7th May '08, after a dismal showing at VB mid-terms.

"There are times when I marvel at my own suay-ness.

1st the sole potato I have left proves unworthy of cooking, then my back cramps, followed by an acute relapse of the pain in the knee as I was walking to the computer lab. Alas, the computer I was assigned proved to be on the brink of death as the above mentioned potato was and I was not assigned a different one until a gd 5 min into our 1 hr exam.

unfortunately for me, the question was nowhere near the level of ease Snr Weixiong had described and assured me of. Up till the very last second b4 I submitted my work in defeat, I still couldn't get the programme to work.

Once again, I am convinced of my lack of aptitude of any sort towards computer science. I understand the school clearly wants the benefit for us, you know, learning how to use the 1998 version of Visual Basic, but I must say, computer science hardly agrees with me. For what reason am I spending more time on it when I really should be putting my heart and soul into the gems of literature so temptingly placed within reach of my person."

thankfully, I managed to pass the wretched module and am at last liberated from computer science, at least until I graduate, where I'll be taught how to use Microsoft Powerpoint in NIE. wow. so exciting!

My English blog is almost dead.

hey really can't help it, I'm locked out on the other side of the Great Firewall of China.

suddenly, I can't seem to speak/write in fluent English, not that I can do so in Chinese. so... all of a sudden, I can't seem to communicate properly.

been really tired these few days, waking up at 11am everyday... was really looking forward to coming back... but now... experiencing some sort of anti-climax. don't feel like going out, don't feel like working, don't feel like studying, don't feel like... doing anything.

TV is good tho'. am amazed by this technology, having been isolated from it for the past year.

suddenly feel neither here nor there.

being able to study overseas is a great experience that I won't exchange for anything else, but at the same time... I feel... segregated. from my friends. who are all going thru' similar experiences here, back home.
when slowly, I'm starting to answer my phone calls with "喂"instead of "hello"
when I start to say "back in Shanghai we..."
when I forget how to order things in English
when all my textbooks are in Chinese
when I say "going back to Shanghai" rather than "going to Shanghai"
when I can only read my friends' blogs once every 5/6 months
when...

when I'm misplaced everytime I transit between Shanghai and Spore.

WHY IS it these days that whenever I step into a retail boutique, I am greeted by the sales assistants in Mandarin instead of English?

They then follow me around the shop, promoting their products to me in Mandarin.

I find this shocking in Singapore, a country where we are trying to emphasise world-class service standards.

This is not to say that speaking in Mandarin equals mediocre service.

But it seems to me that gone are the days when storekeepers would converse with customers in English in Singapore, a cosmopolitan country with many foreigners who live, work or visit.

Sales staff recruited from overseas should be given to understand that they must serve customers in English first for two reasons. Firstly, because it's more professional. Secondly, not all customers understand Mandarin and sales staff should not assume that Chinese customers are as eloquent in Mandarin as they are.

Retailers should look into this problem and ensure that their frontline staff master at least the rudiments of English.

Singapore is gearing to host top international events like the world's first Formula One night race and the first Youth Olympics.

Surely, we should not subject visitors to a mediocre level of service or allow them to think that our level of communication is so limited.

Ellouisa Chen (Miss)

两个字：心寒。

言论版：http://forums.asiaone.com/showthread.php?t=10827

四个字：非常心寒。

原来我们这群华语程度较好的人真的是次等下贱的。也许我是该劝劝高龄80的祖母要么永不踏入“高级”商店，要么也学学陈小姐一样讲一口流到不行、洋腔十足的英语来（当然，这是假设陈小姐会讲一口流到不行、洋腔十足的英语），免得我国举行国际活动时被外来的贵宾耻笑我国竟然还有人低级到连英语都不会讲。也许我也该放弃自己引以为豪的新加坡腔，专心地把英国腔练好，哦，就连华语也要说得有些洋葱味儿，方像个能为外来贵宾提供高级服务的半洋人。（那《茶馆》的沈处长大约会是个很能提供高级服务的人吧？）毕竟，就算只会说英语是不成问题的，但如果只会说华语，那沟通能力是明显的有限的，身为爱国之士，怎忍让外国人以为新加坡人不会讲英语，让祖国蒙羞呢？

And just to prove that my level of communication is not "mediocre", behold! An English version of what I've just written!

So it does appear that we who possess a higher standard of the Chinese Language are, indeed, lower in standards. Maybe it is time I urge my 80 year old grandmother to either forbid herself from stepping into "high class" boutiques and the like, or take a leaf out of Miss Chen's and speak with an English tongue so fluent she might be mistaken for a native (of course, this is based on the assumption that Miss Chen is capable of speaking as thus), so when the time does come for Singapore to host international events, our foreign guests will have no reason to scorn that a country as high-class as ours should still have people who are barbarious enough to not be able to communicate in English! Maybe it is time I should rid myself of the Singaporean accent I am so proud of and concentrate on being able to articulate myself with a distinct British accent, oh and if I may add, learn to speak Mandarin as a Caucasian would, thus allowing me the ability to provide world-class services to our foreign guests. After all, being only capable of English speech will hardly, if ever, impair my "level of communication", but if I can only converse in Mandarin, then that will alas, render my "level of communication... limited".